MY INNER BEING

Hebrews 12:1-3 says,"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

God is doing a great thing in my family's lives, in peoples lives around me, and in my very own as well. I had some convos with some special people that are dear in my life; also, this week in men's group called Moving On at VFCC, where men of God get together to talk about deep concerns and current struggles that we may still be facing in order to deal with them, and surrender it to God. I have had the honor of speaking to many people about our pasts, our failures, struggles, hurts (pains), abuses, and the calling God may have placed in our hearts. The convos, even more, reminds me of what I have learned about God's love and purpose in my very own life.

I am reminded of how much I am truly blessed and privileged to find grace (favor) in God's eyes (as do we all; Praise be to our Lord Jesus!!). I did not choose or sought after God, yet, even in my sinful desires, sinful lifestyle, shame, and guilt the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob through Jesus our Lord sought me out, finding favor for a reason I still have not fully understood to this day.

Maybe you would share this sentiment: Why me? "Who am I, that you would send me?"

I would venture to even question in this way as well: Why has God revealed himself to me in such ways?

When I was thirteen...I remember His whisper as if He is still whispering in my ear today... "Sientes mi calor?"... He whispered... Which means, Do you feel my warmth or embrace? I was not dreaming, it was not a vision of some sort, but Jesus physically and truly stood at my bedside. Yes Lord here am I, I would dare to reply even today. I am still learning myself to walk in forgiveness, compassion, and even more in my calling; not only for myself, but for who God is; and to whom He represents in my most inner being.

I would still question: How can God use a person like me, use me the in the ways He has, or how can I still hear Him so clearly at times?

I remember the times when God has sent me to speak into people's lives without me really knowing who they are, in order that He may encourage and edify where they are at. Moreover, I do not even like speaking in front of many people, and my speech is far from perfect. I have struggles too, that make me feel even more inadequate to what God has been doing, and what He can do in my life. I am also afraid, I was always afraid of failing God, but I confess I have failed Him many times before already.

Fear grips me to think of the responsibilities, and obstacles I must face in the calling God has place in my heart. In all honesty I would have never chosen it for myself; but, I am reminded daily of how God would call and could use any person such as myself, a sinner, with all my struggles and weaknesses. Yet, He finds pleasure of having full control of my every being, desiring total surrender and devotion. Yes, He desires for me...the good, the bad, and the ugly, as I too must learn to surrender all, full devotion, and allow Him total control. What is the cost? My all, my most inner being, all my life...yes, every part.

We did not choose God.

I did not choose God, God sought me out, not I that sought Him out. I do not even know why...other than that of His unconditional love for us all. I know that not many people may have experienced God the way He has made known to me. Know that I dare not boast, I am merely a witness, a testimony, and a messenger of God's love, mercy, and grace. Yes, I have seen God, heard his voice, and experienced His presence that resounds and vibrates profoundly within my soul. He ever so profoundly captivates me the more I seek Him; and the more I experience His presence, the more I desire to be with Him; as when He stood at my bedside that morning in Puerto Rico when I was yet a young boy. I do not think highly of myself, I have struggled much, but I have learned that it is not about me. Through experiencing God, and His presence I find great strength and courage to continue the pursuit of God's calling in my life; regardless of my many failures in the past.

My most greatest victories, where I have found most strength is behind closed doors where I meet with God face to face. In my secret place with my Lord, there, I am found with a drive and a passion that I have no control over. Even when I wanted to quit, hiding from God, and the desire to give up was ever so eminent; but an overwhelming feeling, a drive of overcoming, of fighting, and pressing forward fills my heart, it fills my inner most being... I must move forward, no turning back, even if no one may follow...

I pray that you may experience God even more than I could ever experience Him. May you experience that drive that can only come from an experience with Our Lord and Savior; so that you may draw closer to Him, which is far more important than anything else in this world; and so that you may be empowered also to go wherever He sends you. Amen