MY CONFESSION: Where the two roads meet.

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" "The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1Corinthians 15: 55-57)

While I was a child, I remember I loved imitating my pastors that I had growing up. My father was in the military so we traveled much, so this granted me the opportunity to have pastors that poured much wisdom into my life. We have had a few pastors, but they all had something that I admired. I remember I would drive my mother crazy when I wanted to wear a suit and tie all the time because that was how my pastors dressed. Also, my father had to buy me a guitar because one of the pastors played guitar, but of course I too wanted to play guitar; this was when we lived in South Carolina. Imitating and following my pastors everywhere was my goal. In Puerto Rico I was called my pastors "rabito" (little tail), he could not hide from me. I would even try to sit close to him wherever he sat; I was a little pastor stalker, that's what I was.

When we moved to Puerto Rico, because of my parent’s separation, my pastor in Puerto Rico, Rev. Emilio Aviles, is the man that I admired most. Unlike most kids that grow up in the church, I truly loved going to Church as much as I loved following my pastor around; I wanted to be just like Pastor Aviles. He was the one that God truly used to begin the placement of passion in my heart for ministry and for people. At the age of nine, he had introduced me to preaching; along with my grandmother, who is a retired missionary, we would minister together at other churches, minister at the hospital or go to people's homes to pray for the sick. My grandmother also poured much wisdom in my life. Pastor Aviles had never rejected me no matter how annoying I was following him around. In fact, he always sought me out, and gave me much counsel and always came over to where I lived to check up on me; he truly cared for me.

I am fortunate to say that I have seen God move, as well as experienced His presence in a powerful way from a very young age. Surely I was different from all the other kids at school and among the few friends I had; I was known as the preacher kid or the evangelical, and was made fun of, bullied and such... more so because I was always talking about Jesus... so after school I would head to Pastor Aviles' home which was not far at all. There at his home I listened attentively to him speak of God's word, his experiences, and listen to the passion that this man had for God and the lost. Somewhere between his and my grandmother’s sermons, stories (experiences), and ministering with my grandmother...I fell madly in love with God and truly knew that I was called to ministry.

This past summer I visited Pastor Aviles after ten years that I had not seen him, he is much older, retired, and now has Alzheimer; yet, I was amazed that all he was able to speak about was the wonders of God, quoting scripture from memory. It was just like when I was a child again, and as I heard every word that came from his mouth my eyes watered and glittered with admiration; I was truly in a presence of a mighty man of God; a man I called for many years my spiritual father. There in his living room Pastor Aviles reminded me of my calling, and the reasons I had vowed my life to such a calling; I learned that it is truly not about me, it is beyond and much greater than I.

I must confess:

Sin has a way to suffocate God's calling to anyone entangled by it. Talking about sin and the mistakes I have made in my life are probably the things I very much avoid in conversation. I must confess though that the weaknesses and struggles I have borne had taken me down roads I would venture to say have caused me to fall more than I could ever admit; I imagine who would admit their sins easily. Maybe it was because of my parents separation, the rejections, or having been sexually molested that had lead me to live a secret life of promiscuity, but was certainly not the lifestyle I wanted for myself; I suppose it was my way of coping. When no longer I could keep my secrets bottled up, my struggles and pain, even when church was where I too felt rejected I turned to the homosexual lifestyle for answers or for some sort of acceptance, even freedom. Even in that lifestyle my spirit ached within me, but still I pushed God away for a time. I must confess though that because of my sins I began to believe that I could never live up to the calling God had placed in my heart; therefore, I believed that my struggles were my inevitability; where I could not or would ever change to be truly free.

I was wrong.

The Bible has taught me that sin has no power over those in Christ; and it has taken me a long time to realize this truth. I remember what Pastor Aviles had said to me once that when you are called by God the enemy will do everything in his power to prevent you to achieve God's calling in your life, even use your own desires and weaknesses against you; yet, remember this, there is no devil or amount of sin that can make God change his mind about the call that He has placed upon you.

Is not that the reason Christ died for us, so that through him we too can overcome sin and death? Overcoming sin is not the simplest thing to do. I have realized that in all my struggles, weaknesses, and pain…overcoming is worth fighting for. Overcoming goes hand in hand with surrender, sacrifice, obedience, and even suffering for Christ’s name and cause. To surrender is to deny yourself fully; even those things that matter most to you, even your so called freedom and will. Is this not what Jesus was teaching in Luke 14: 25-27, Matthew 16: 24-26, and Mark 8: 31-38?

Overcoming sin is to have a resolute attitude against sin, as well as a complete devotion to the Lord of Hosts; by your own oath of accepting Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. In order to do whatever it takes to overcome sin we must understand that the battle between sin comes from within our own hearts, also from the deceptive lies that comes from the evil one; therefore, much disciplining is needed. You must know that to fight is to conquer when God is on your side, there is no turning back.

I struggle not because I wanted to, but now I have come to understand it is because I must; there is no turning back for me. I must conquer my sin, and I shall overcome; I am not alone, the victory is mine!!

This is my greatest desire, to see people experience God to the full potential of His word; “…anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these…” (John 14:12). It is not about me it is about Jesus; so that the people of God united together overcome and conquer for the sake of the Kingdom of God. Will you join me in this journey? Together we can do great things for the Kingdom. Surely, I must say that it will take a true experience, a true encounter with the Lord and His Spirit to seal this destiny; a fate of suffering for the sake of the Kingdom. In order to say along with my own prayer, my soul aches for the lost, and for those deceived by the lies of the enemy! If you shall not come with me, then I must go without…there is no turning back for me.

This is my prayer: I shall not surrender though I may lose some ground, even if I must fail a few more times...I must get this right. Hold steady my sword, which is your Word, in my hands and in my heart forever burn and carve it, dear Savior; You are my fortress and source of strength. The laborers are still too few Lord, help us overcome our sins and our fears; for your heart aches for the lost, bound and the broken. Let your people join together for the sake of your Kingdom, we do this not on our own; to overcome, conquer, and rescue those in the hands of the enemy. Give us ears to hear you, and readied hearts, so when you call we are ready to say…Here I am Lord, send me!! AMEN.

“Whom shall I send if not you?”